Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
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If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
mom gave me mine for free
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.