bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
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Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
🤣🤣🤣
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend