[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
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-spider hokey pokey
“Laughter is the best medicine”
-doctor who failed med school
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
I want to find a way to get women naked, rub them with lotion, and convince them to pay me for it at the end.
-The inventor of massage
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
What we study in class vs. what’s on the exam paper
I hate when I decide to sleep and my brain goes like “Come back here! Remember that thing you did, why?” & we stay up talking about it.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.