Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.

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[God creating cheesecake]

GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good

ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?

GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]


Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put

-spider hokey pokey


I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”


I want to find a way to get women naked, rub them with lotion, and convince them to pay me for it at the end.

-The inventor of massage


“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”

Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile


I hate when I decide to sleep and my brain goes like “Come back here! Remember that thing you did, why?” & we stay up talking about it.


A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.

Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire


I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.