[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
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Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!