“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
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When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit