Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
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9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.