@lemmywinkler

Billion dollar idea.

A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”

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@baseballchickie

I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!

I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.

@thestlouisan

[Texting]

WIFE: Will you get coffee and a bagel for 6?
ME: He’s too young for coffee
W: Coffee’s for me
M: Where’s the comma?
W:
M: Hello?

@DelanieFischer

People who don’t have a name for their newborn,

What the shit did you do for 9 months?

@darksidedeb

I’m going bananas!

*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.

@RowdyBowden

Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.

@Tmoney68

In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”

@Rollmaninoz

Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant

@TheGoatTaco

My girl stayed true and my dog didn’t die, I’m sober

~no country song ever.

@goodballs

If your bf/gf is mad at you put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super mad!” If they laugh marry them.

@Adar79Angie

“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.