Billion dollar idea.

A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”

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I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!

I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.



WIFE: Will you get coffee and a bagel for 6?
ME: He’s too young for coffee
W: Coffee’s for me
M: Where’s the comma?
M: Hello?


People who don’t have a name for their newborn,

What the shit did you do for 9 months?


I’m going bananas!

*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.


Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.


In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”


Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant


My girl stayed true and my dog didn’t die, I’m sober

~no country song ever.


If your bf/gf is mad at you put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super mad!” If they laugh marry them.


“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.