BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
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People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!