I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
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i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
I think about this a lot
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas