When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
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Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.