I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
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Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
I have questions??
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.