billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
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me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*