@alexlumaga

Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes

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@gneicco

My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.

@akmalshamil

*goku flies into the sunset* not knowing how the sun and earth really work he says “WHAT THE HELL WHERE’S THAT SUNSET BEEN FLYING FOR DAYS”

@sofarrsogud

Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!

Wife: But we d..

*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores

@AudreyPorne

to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂

to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂

@Mikecanrant

I can only handle so much of a screaming kid on a long car ride before I pull over, take them off the roof, and let them back in.

@krisv_723

Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “

@KalvinMacleod

ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*

@Ivsy01

(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?

@myonlymizztake

Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.

– me as a marriage counselor

@batkaren

One great thing about a cartoon avi is that I could be anything. I could be a 90-yo man. I could be a baby. HOW DO YOU KNOW I’M NOT A BABY!