Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
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This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
I might carry a baby with one hand.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
Warm pools make me nervous.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Are you ok, human???
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”