My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
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*goku flies into the sunset* not knowing how the sun and earth really work he says “WHAT THE HELL WHERE’S THAT SUNSET BEEN FLYING FOR DAYS”
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
I can only handle so much of a screaming kid on a long car ride before I pull over, take them off the roof, and let them back in.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
One great thing about a cartoon avi is that I could be anything. I could be a 90-yo man. I could be a baby. HOW DO YOU KNOW I’M NOT A BABY!