Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
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Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
He-man has a Masters degree
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”