billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
You Might Also Like
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”