BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*

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my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast


Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.


Dear white people: you stop Adam Sandler from making movies and we’ll stop Eddie Murphy.


Let me slip into something more comfortable.

*climbs into a wood chipper*


Me: Yeah, I’ve been having sex with robots a lot lately to ingratiate myself with them for the inevitable uprising.


Me: Anyway you were saying you bought a high-tech baby monitor you really like.


My ex left because I “lack imagination”.

“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.


I parked in the “C” section of the parking lot.

So, naturally, I had to climb out of the sunroof.