@BuckyIsotope

BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*

You Might Also Like

@BrandyLJensen

my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast

@stephenjmolloy

Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.

@treywafer

Dear white people: you stop Adam Sandler from making movies and we’ll stop Eddie Murphy.

@ThisLocalHater

Let me slip into something more comfortable.

*climbs into a wood chipper*

@LittleMissAngr1

Me: Yeah, I’ve been having sex with robots a lot lately to ingratiate myself with them for the inevitable uprising.

Them:

Me: Anyway you were saying you bought a high-tech baby monitor you really like.

@0point5twins

My ex left because I “lack imagination”.

“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.

@TylerComeOn

I parked in the “C” section of the parking lot.

So, naturally, I had to climb out of the sunroof.