BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
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Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.