Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
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Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
When they try to steal your moment.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.