Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
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the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Well, this is awkward
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos