billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
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My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
They’re not wrong
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.