Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
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My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.