I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
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[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant