billy joel: she’s an uptown girl

me: where has she been living

billy joel: ur not gonna believe this

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[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex


Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.


I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong


Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.


Past employers have described me as “selfish, egotistic, condescending, the physical manifestation of capitalism, and a true sweetheart.”


Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret


Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.


[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?


Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.