@randypaint

billy joel: she’s an uptown girl

me: where has she been living

billy joel: ur not gonna believe this

You Might Also Like

@fro_vo

[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex

@Dawn_M_

Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.

@snarkymomtobe

I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong

@mattgallo123

Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.

@novicefather

Past employers have described me as “selfish, egotistic, condescending, the physical manifestation of capitalism, and a true sweetheart.”

@sock_holliday

Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret

@JohnLyonTweets

Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.

@HousewifeOfHell

[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?

@SentenceReduced

Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.