billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
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Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
me refusing to leave twitter
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies