I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
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If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
My favorite farside!!
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?