@randypaint

billy joel: we didn’t start the fire

fireman: do u have any idea who did

billy joel: ya i have a list of like, ninety seven suspects

fireman: what

billy joel: can i sing them to u

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@jakob_huber

“Get me another beer, boy”
“Dad I’m an adult. My name’s Bobby”
“It’s time you knew the truth boy. The 2nd & 3rd B’s in your name are silent”

@abbycohenwl

*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*

@Leemanish

Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.

@Shen_the_Bird

Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!

Me: *shoving my way to the front* no

@Brianhopecomedy

*wife phones*

“Hi!”

“Hi! Did you clean the house?”

“Uhh…YUP!”

“OK, I’m coming home. Need anything?”

“Yes, about 2 hours.”

@BackrowSeats

Don’t dwell on bad things that happened in your past. Focus on the terrible things that’ll happen tomorrow.

@SvnSxty

*on the phone*

God: I’ve read it

God: Yes, SEVERAL hard reboots

God: A meteor

God: No warranty, no

God: I tampered with Pangea

God: You think I don’t know that?

God: *pulling hair* THERE’S NO RECEIPT

*spying*

Batman: Who’s he talking to

Robin: Holy tech support Batman

@SuperShourds

My 4 year told me my tummy looks soft and squishy today, so I put her barbies on the highest shelf on the house.

@david8hughes

Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.