@hatefulunicorn
i feel like autocorrect is that kid in class who very confidently yells out wrong answers
@randypaint
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
fireman: do u have any idea who did
billy joel: ya i have a list of like, ninety seven suspects
fireman: what
billy joel: can i sing them to u
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@hatefulunicorn
@GraceSpelman
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
@Jen_says_nah
*puts message in a bottle
*stares longingly out at sea and throws it in
*gets tazed and arrested for littering
@dave_cactus
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
@Darlainky
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
@Inferno_V
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
@FredTaming
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
@clusterctraits
Nothing says “I don’t trust you with cash” like a visa gift card.
@AksharPathak
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
@DamienFahey
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline