@randypaint

billy joel: we didn’t start the fire

fireman: do u have any idea who did

billy joel: ya i have a list of like, ninety seven suspects

fireman: what

billy joel: can i sing them to u

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@hatefulunicorn

i feel like autocorrect is that kid in class who very confidently yells out wrong answers

@Jen_says_nah

*puts message in a bottle

*stares longingly out at sea and throws it in

*gets tazed and arrested for littering

@dave_cactus

TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.

@Darlainky

If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.

@AksharPathak

a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people

@DamienFahey

13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline