@jakob_huber
“Get me another beer, boy”
“Dad I’m an adult. My name’s Bobby”
“It’s time you knew the truth boy. The 2nd & 3rd B’s in your name are silent”
@randypaint
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
fireman: do u have any idea who did
billy joel: ya i have a list of like, ninety seven suspects
fireman: what
billy joel: can i sing them to u
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@jakob_huber
@looktothepickle
I’ve never dropped acid. I always get it in my mouth on the first try
@abbycohenwl
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
@Leemanish
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
@Shen_the_Bird
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
@Brianhopecomedy
*wife phones*
“Hi!”
“Hi! Did you clean the house?”
“Uhh…YUP!”
“OK, I’m coming home. Need anything?”
“Yes, about 2 hours.”
@BackrowSeats
Don’t dwell on bad things that happened in your past. Focus on the terrible things that’ll happen tomorrow.
@SvnSxty
*on the phone*
God: I’ve read it
God: Yes, SEVERAL hard reboots
God: A meteor
God: No warranty, no
God: I tampered with Pangea
God: You think I don’t know that?
God: *pulling hair* THERE’S NO RECEIPT
*spying*
Batman: Who’s he talking to
Robin: Holy tech support Batman
@SuperShourds
My 4 year told me my tummy looks soft and squishy today, so I put her barbies on the highest shelf on the house.
@david8hughes
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.