i feel like autocorrect is that kid in class who very confidently yells out wrong answers
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
fireman: do u have any idea who did
billy joel: ya i have a list of like, ninety seven suspects
billy joel: can i sing them to u
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This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
*puts message in a bottle
*stares longingly out at sea and throws it in
*gets tazed and arrested for littering
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
Nothing says “I don’t trust you with cash” like a visa gift card.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline