4-year-old: What does God smell like?
4-year-old: With cheese?
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
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HOW TO BECOME A CRAZY CAT LADY:
1) Get a cat.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —
And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– oh honey
– nobody would name their kid Trenton