I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
You Might Also Like
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Employees must applaud the planets.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.