I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
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When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
me after drinking all the wine:
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”