“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
You Might Also Like
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
This January has 47 Mondays
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Whoa 😂