Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
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Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
I came this close!!!!
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.