marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
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Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
STEM major: what are you learning in school
Kindergartener: shapes and colors
STEM major: lmao good luck getting a job with that
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.