@PhilJamesson

Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate

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@GrantTanaka

marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u

@Sanbel11

Me: NO!

Him: What? I haven’t even said anything

Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to

@thepunningman

CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight

@Aspersioncast

I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.

@TheAlexNevil

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.

@Swishergirl24

This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.

@sannewman

Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.

@rudy_mustang

STEM major: what are you learning in school

Kindergartener: shapes and colors

STEM major: lmao good luck getting a job with that

@OneFunnyMummy

I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods

@GlennPriceMann

Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.