if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
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no one likes gloating
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
Watson was Holmes schooled
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
New menu item
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss