Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
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“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-