[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
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*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere