[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
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Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of