Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
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what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
Clients after you give them your rates
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax