bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
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Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.