Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
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My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
oh you wanna fight?!
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
This is why I hate group projects
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no