american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
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Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.