*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
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men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Dammit Chief not again
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?