I was at the beach and the lifeguard blew his whistle at me. Dude, I’m 40. I’m not listening to a teenager in a bathing suit.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
You Might Also Like
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Thanks a lot Apple, for calling 7 inches a mini.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.