@realfunghi

Bird: Good morning! How are you?

Me: Oh my God! You can talk!

Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.

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@juliussharpe

I was at the beach and the lifeguard blew his whistle at me. Dude, I’m 40. I’m not listening to a teenager in a bathing suit.

@trevso_electric

If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”

@SketchesbyBoze

the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village

@mrtruthandsoul

[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.

@SaraESpivey

When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.

@mjkspeaks

Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.

@TheDairylandDon

No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.

@jamespianka

My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.