Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
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[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.