Bird: Good morning! How are you?

Me: Oh my God! You can talk!

Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.

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Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people


After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.


My cats are building a guillotine in the basement. It doesn’t have to be for me, it could be for anyone *nervously fills their bowls with the good kind of cat food*


Although it may be true that I don’t have a lot of friends, I do however have a significant amount of strangers that don’t bother me.


*kids walking

Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!

Kids: Okay!

*continue walking at exactly the same pace


We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”


[arrested in 1985]

COP: you get 1 call

ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news

[arrested in 2018]

COP: you get 1 call

ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it


I don’t mean to brag, but I just completed my 21 day diet in 3 hours and 15 minutes.