@ofcourseyoudid

Bird of peace?
The dove

Bird of war?
The hawk

Bird of true love?

..wait for it…

….

The swallow

*walks offstage

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@MrsMikePatton

If you were to send a werewolf to the moon, would he become a werewolf permanently?

@therealeatwood

SATAN: Turn these stones into bread

JESUS: No

SATAN: Turn them into raspberry swirl cheesecake

JESUS: [clenching eyes shut] No

@Shen_the_Bird

cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: [through foam mascot head] ya

@doktorj

Me: Good night Moon

Moon:

Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!

@TheUnfitFather

My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.

@funnybrad

Air Bud seems like a great movie, until you realize some poor kid was cut from the team to make room on the roster for a golden retriever

@Bagyants

MSNBC: Racist gets what he deserves!

FOX: What’s next, thought crimes?

CNN: If you stare at your hand for a long time it will look weird

@ThatThunderMan

“Do what your gut says”

– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza

@robfee

Being a DJ is tough because sometimes iTunes won’t open.