Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
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One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
Natural selection at its finest
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
“TGIM!” – My liver
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
What kind of a cult is this?
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.