I imagine colonoscopies are accompanied by the theme music from the underground level of Super Mario Bros.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
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It’s a good thing this video game is rated mature because it’s going to be babysitting the kids tonight.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
But were you called “dream wife” on the internet today?
Oh, you were. By the same guy? I see.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
5: I went potty.
Me: Did you remember to wipe this time?
5: It’s faster my way.
I don’t know how to counter that argument.
I wonder if mirrors every get tired of having their picture taken.
My buddy has a telescope but I don’t think he uses it for astronomy. I asked what his favourite constellation was and he said, “Samantha”.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
me: yes but where
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.