Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
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I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.