@Ygrene

Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*

Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird

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@The_Mentalyst

I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.

@bornmiserable

the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym

@SvnSxty

Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all

Donatello: to protect our identities?

Splinter: exactly Raphael

Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael

Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo

Raphael: master, that’s not-

Splinter: just put them on please

@aligarchy

it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw

@meganamram

Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.

@bobvulfov

ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook

84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them