@SteveSuckington: "Sorry my phone died" -something I've said 5,326 times but it's never actually happened

@scriptjunkie1: The struggle is real.

@HTHRFLWRS: DO YOU EVER THINK ABOUT HOW CARS CAN NEVER TOUCH ONE ANOTHER WITHOUT CAUSING DAMAGE. THE TRUE MISERY OF THE METAL FLESH IS ISOLATION. A CAR MAY NEVER CUDDLE ANOTHER CAR

@stephenjmolloy: Job interviewer: What are your strengths? Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses? JI: Yes. Me: I'm very perceptive.

@RCKruseKontrol: ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year my son Acid: is that why i can't do math Dad