@LionJenkins I imagine colonoscopies are accompanied by the theme music from the underground level of Super Mario Bros.
@Ygrene Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
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@LionJenkins 
@theshamingofjay It’s a good thing this video game is rated mature because it’s going to be babysitting the kids tonight.
@FunkyFresh_79 Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
@littlelady899 But were you called “dream wife” on the internet today?
Oh, you were. By the same guy? I see.
@prufrockluvsong Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
@ImABaconDonut 5: I went potty.
Me: Did you remember to wipe this time?
5: No.
Me: Why?
5: It’s faster my way.I don’t know how to counter that argument.
@CanadianCyn I wonder if mirrors every get tired of having their picture taken.
@Brianhopecomedy My buddy has a telescope but I don’t think he uses it for astronomy. I asked what his favourite constellation was and he said, “Samantha”.
@mrjohndarby [first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
@3sunzzz If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.