Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*

Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird

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I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.


the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym


Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all

Donatello: to protect our identities?

Splinter: exactly Raphael

Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael

Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo

Raphael: master, that’s not-

Splinter: just put them on please


it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw


Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.


ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook

84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them