@Ygrene

Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*

Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird

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@LionJenkins

I imagine colonoscopies are accompanied by the theme music from the underground level of Super Mario Bros.

@theshamingofjay

It’s a good thing this video game is rated mature because it’s going to be babysitting the kids tonight.

@FunkyFresh_79

Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?

Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!

@littlelady899

But were you called “dream wife” on the internet today?

Oh, you were. By the same guy? I see.

@ImABaconDonut

5: I went potty.
Me: Did you remember to wipe this time?
5: No.
Me: Why?
5: It’s faster my way.

I don’t know how to counter that argument.

@CanadianCyn

I wonder if mirrors every get tired of having their picture taken.

@Brianhopecomedy

My buddy has a telescope but I don’t think he uses it for astronomy. I asked what his favourite constellation was and he said, “Samantha”.

@mrjohndarby

[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where

@3sunzzz

If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.