[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet

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For being the most motivated sperm,

Some of us have really tapered off.


Me: There’s nothing better than a quiet evening out with friends after a hectic week.
Tequila: We’re gonna fight every girl in this bar!


“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –

Me, the day after the office Christmas party.


Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not


Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate


The sign said ‘Free Range Chickens’. So, I took some.


The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.


Can me and you go out sometime?

“No, your grammar is too poor”

Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?