@caithuls

[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet

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@MsKitty101

For being the most motivated sperm,

Some of us have really tapered off.

@Sassafrantz

Me: There’s nothing better than a quiet evening out with friends after a hectic week.
Tequila: We’re gonna fight every girl in this bar!

@Tmoney68

“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –

Me, the day after the office Christmas party.

@BuckyIsotope

Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not

@House_Feminist

Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate

@HeyZeus666

The sign said ‘Free Range Chickens’. So, I took some.

@Thedudish

The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.

@daemonic3

Can me and you go out sometime?

“No, your grammar is too poor”

Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?