[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
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My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Practicing safe sax
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake