I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
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Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Cashiers are always checking me out
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Something Saturday.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.