@JerpsBerps

*bird watching*

Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”

Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”

*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*

You Might Also Like

@AimeeHelene1

I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.

@DanMentos

Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams

@blade_funner

[GOING BACK IN TIME]

Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!

Everybody: The what now?

@philco816

Note on the bed side table read “this isn’t working,” but I put a quarter in and the bed still vibrates. I don’t know what her problem was.

@seandunn76

4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.

@zgbetty

The hardest part of parenting is standing idly by while your children build a mediocre couch fort.

@GavinProbably

Said “large” today at Starbucks, and everyone starting chanting “Venti, Venti, Venti!” and a mass suicide occurred.

@Browtweaten

alfred: you have emphysema

batman: how?

alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations

batman: oh

alfred:

batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*

alfred: sir

@Juicedballs

*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*