I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
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Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Note on the bed side table read “this isn’t working,” but I put a quarter in and the bed still vibrates. I don’t know what her problem was.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
The hardest part of parenting is standing idly by while your children build a mediocre couch fort.
Said “large” today at Starbucks, and everyone starting chanting “Venti, Venti, Venti!” and a mass suicide occurred.
alfred: you have emphysema
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*