Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
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Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.