TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
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how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free