“guns don’t kill people, guns CREATE people!”
*fires 10 newborn babies out of a bazooka*
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
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Just finished reading a book on Stockholm Syndrome.
I really didn’t like the first couple of chapters, but by the end I loved it.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Them: did you adopt your cat?
Me: no, it’s my biological cat.
My mom has been trying to forward me an email since Monday June 23rd…..it’s now Friday June 27th….
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
‘What about earthquakes?’
-Me as a teacher
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp