Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-

Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ

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“guns don’t kill people, guns CREATE people!”
*fires 10 newborn babies out of a bazooka*


Just finished reading a book on Stockholm Syndrome.

I really didn’t like the first couple of chapters, but by the end I loved it.


Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.


My mom has been trying to forward me an email since Monday June 23rd…..it’s now Friday June 27th….





[job interview]

-Describe yourself to me in one word.



When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.


‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla

-Me as a teacher


Friend: ow I just cut my finger

Me: ouch

Friend: can u put a bandaid on it

Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp