@SvnSxty

Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-

Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ

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@Fred_Delicious

“guns don’t kill people, guns CREATE people!”
*fires 10 newborn babies out of a bazooka*

@sirchutney

Just finished reading a book on Stockholm Syndrome.

I really didn’t like the first couple of chapters, but by the end I loved it.

@dreamthievin

Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.

@DILLONFRANCIS

My mom has been trying to forward me an email since Monday June 23rd…..it’s now Friday June 27th….

still

no

email

@3sunzzz

[job interview]

-Describe yourself to me in one word.

-poor

@Lisa_Laughs_

When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.

@sofarrsogud

‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla

-Me as a teacher

@spaceboyriley

Friend: ow I just cut my finger

Me: ouch

Friend: can u put a bandaid on it

Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp