@SvnSxty
@Fred_Delicious
“guns don’t kill people, guns CREATE people!”
*fires 10 newborn babies out of a bazooka*
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@Fred_Delicious
@sirchutney
Just finished reading a book on Stockholm Syndrome.
I really didn’t like the first couple of chapters, but by the end I loved it.
@dreamthievin
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
@IrenaBuzarewicz
Friday
@Cinderblockcat
Them: did you adopt your cat?
Me: no, it’s my biological cat.
@DILLONFRANCIS
My mom has been trying to forward me an email since Monday June 23rd…..it’s now Friday June 27th….
still
no
@3sunzzz
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
@Lisa_Laughs_
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
@sofarrsogud
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
@spaceboyriley
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp