birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
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I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
A roof is a house hat.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.