BRO LMFAO
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Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
“You’d better run, egg!”
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.