Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
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just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
My neck my back my allergy attack
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart